PLEASE READ THIS
There does not need to be a disclaimer in front of this story, because
it doesn't contain any sex, that's right, no sex. I post this here,
because I cannot think of any other place on the web to share this type of
story.
This is a of undiscovered love. Although love is a very beautiful
thing, it is the most devastating, when not shared. I don't really know
why I wrote this, I just felt an urge to write something like this. The
words were not thought about or pondered, they just flowed. Un explainable
in my terms, The words just came as I needed them.
If you are looking for sex, this is not the place. Although this is not a long one I urge you to read it. I ask all who read this to send
me an email. You don't have to say anything, just put some notification
that you read it in the subject line. If you wish to leave feedback I
would love to hear it.
If there is a moral to this story, I don't know what it is, being
inexperienced in love matters. But I think that I have an idea: Sharing
love is beautiful, and is the most awesome power when reciprocated. But in
gay love there must also be a sense of caution. Many people don't accept
the way we are. So although it is wonderful and beautiful, trust who you
tell. -----------------------------------------------------------
In the Blink of an Eye
The sun broke over the mountain as I woke up early on another glorious
weekend. I smiled to myself. Sweeping the covers off of my bed, I quickly
got up. I reached as high as possible and stood on my toes and yawned.
With my daily stretches done, I walked into the bathroom adjoining my room
and looked myself in the mirror. 'Not bad' I thought, 'I could use a hair
cut.' My hair was long but thin. It fell around my ears in a perfect bowl
cut. It was and said to be as "smooth as silk.' Rubbing the sleep
out of my eyes I looked at my face. It wasn't perfect in my eyes. I had
emerald green eyes and a wide smile. I yawned again and stepped back. I
am 17 and always considered myself a shrimp at about 5'5" and 120lb. I had
defined muscles, but not overly. Kinda a swimmers build. Satisfied I used
the bathroom to and I jumped into the shower. The warm water felt
good as it cascaded through my hair and down my body. I washed at a snails
pace. I didn't need to hurry, it was Saturday, no school.
After I finished in the shower, I dried and put on my boxer briefs. I
walked down the stairs for a bite to eat. I felt comfortable walking
around in my underwear. My were not home. They never are. If
fact I don't get to see them much after the divorce. My moved
across the county. I have not seen him since. My lives in the house
with me. I am the only child now that my has moved out. She is
out with her new boyfriend on some sort of camping trip. She is always
gone, doing something, going somewhere. The note is on the fridge. I look
towards the refrigerator. 'Ah yes'
"Pleasant View Hotel"
7672 N. Post Ct.
Phoenix AZ 85010
Rm. 476"
Pouring myself a bowl of Trix I sat down and quickly ate. I heard the
chimes on the grandfather clock. It said 10:00. 'That means Adrien will
be here in thirty minutes. I looked down at myself and realized I was
still wearing my underwear. I started to grow a bulge, 'just thinking of
him does that. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.' A vision of
a large woman walking onto the public bus with a giant snot ball dripping
out came to mind. Then she sat down right next to me. 'Oh God, yuck' With
that thought my boner quicky deflated.
I finished the cereal and went up to get dressed. I chose a dull plain tee-shirt and my shorts. It was late spring in Washington State. I
stepped out onto the patio and felt the cool ocean breeze on my face. My
mother and I lived near the shore of the Puget sound. Enjoying the calm
day, I noticed Adrian walk towards my house. He was never late. He walked
up the steps to my porch with a great big smile. Adrian was 17 and a
shrimp like me. That may be the reason we started to become friends. His
hair was jet black and was cut short to look like a spike, He had a deep
tan with piercing blue eyes. He had this way of bouncing while he walked,
and looked like he was on top of the world all the time.
"Hey, Jaden, you commin', or are you just going to sit there all day."
"What," I guess I was caught in a trance.
"Dude, are you ok,"
"Yea, come on let's go." We planned on going to the arcade today. I
grabbed as many quarters as I could find and locked up the house. Soon we
were off. He kept his bike at our house, because he doesn't have a garage.
Conveniently he lives just down the block.
"What is with you this morning," he said.
"Nothin, just a little preoccupied, I guess."
"With what?"
'God I wish that I could tell him', "With my family."
"What this time?"
Adrian was the closest thing to a parent that I have. I never see my
father and I don't see my much and even when I do, she is way to
busy to talk. Adrian has helped with my homework. He was after all a year
higher than me. He was always there to talk to. I have spoken many times
about my family, or lack there of. "I really wish that things could go
back the way they were."
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(As Adrien sees it)
'God I hope not. Jaden was my best friend. Ever since his divorce, we have become closer than ever. That is so horrible to say but
love has its evil side too.' "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked him.
"Yea,"
Jaden stared right at me with those emerald eyes. They held such warmth
in them but also much sadness. I stopped the bike and pulled off the path
a bit. He followed suit. I looked around and saw that we were by the
river. Just down the ways a bit was a grove of tightly packed trees.
There was a clear space in the middle. This little grove was our secret
space. When we were younger, we used it to play. Now we use it to get
away from the world and talk, think, or just enjoy each other's company. I
looked back at Jaden and motioned with my eyes to go there. He got the
message and peddled towards the grove. I followed, watching him closely. I
watched his leg muscles flex as he peddled. His defined, small legs always
turned me on. I looked straight ahead, avoiding the appearance of his cute
butt. I shook my head and slowed down. I eventually came to a stop in
front of the trees. We pulled our bikes behind the bush and snuck into the
middle of the grove.
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(As Jaden sees it)
I followed Adrien into the grove. This was our favorite spot, a place
to get away from the world. I really am to to say that but it is
true. Before my moved out, and my divorced, I had never
felt the pressure of the world, but now, it is all bearing down on me.
Sometimes I can't take it. That is when I would come here, alone or with
Adrien. He was always a good friend, but lately that has not been good
enough. I wanted more. The problem was, I don't exactly know how to tell
him. He has been like a parent to me and I don't want to jeopardize that
relationship by telling him that I'm attracted to him, no matter how much
that me.
I sat down on a small rock and he took a seat on another. I just stared
at him for a while and then looked down to the earth. I couldn't take this
pressure anymore. I could feel the tears begin to well within me. Not
here, not now. It was too late. I could feel it roll down my cheek, and
drip into the soft dirt. I looked up into his eyes and saw only
compassion. He got up and walked over to me. Standing in front of me he
motioned for me to give him my hand. Totally given in to my emotions, I
gladly obliged. He pulled me up into a hug. My body felt limp but he
supported me. I felt comfortable in his arms. Not wanting to ever let him
go I wrapped my arms around his back, tight. I turned my head into his
shoulder and started to cry. It was just not fair. Why does he have to be
this nice to me. He is only making it more difficult on me. I wanted him
to hold me like this forever. It wasn't to be. He gently let me sit back
onto the rock and instead of sitting on the one across the grove he sat on
the dirt right next to me. The rock really wasn't that high off the
ground. He put his arm around me and leaned in.
Rubbing my shoulder he whispered, "What's wrong." I couldn't say
anything. I just stared at the ground. "It's ok, I'm here for you dude."
That made me feel better. Even though the attraction problem was first and
foremost, that is something I can't talk about. Instead I chose to bring
out the problem with my family.
"Adrian," I barely whispered. I couldn't hold it together, I started to
cry again. This stress of being gay, of having my separate, of
never seeing my dad, of being alone, just. . . . . .alone. And finally, of
having a friend who cares so much about me. So much so, that I dare not
tell him what I feel for him. Tears ran like waterfalls down my cheeks, he
pulled me closer to him. "I'm sorry," I whispered into his shoulder.
"No, shhhhh, its ok," he said as he rocked me back and forth. "Shhhh,
its ok."
I have never felt closer to him. I wanted to tell him, so bad, that I
loved him, wanted him, needed him by my side. Love is playing a dirty
trick on me. It is just not fair. "Adrian, I love you." There that wasn't
so bad.
"I love you too, man."
'Nooooooooooo. He didn't get it.' I just held him tighter as more tears
poured out. I have never felt so open among anybody yet so closed. My
crying lessened into a shudder, and finally ceased.
"Are you Ok?" He sounded genuinely concerned.
"Yea, better."
"Good, come on, there are games to win!!" He hopped up and crashed
trough the brush towards his bike. I couldn't help but laugh. Filled with
renewed energy, I also crashed trough the brush and hopped on my bike.
The day went by in a blur. After we had exhausted our quarter supply we
went down to the ocean. There we took a spot on the beach and watched the
surf.
"Jaden?" Adrian started.
"Yea,"
"Did you mean what you said back there?"
"When?"
"In the trees, that you loved me."
I hesitated, carefully considered my answer, "Yes,"
"Oh," he said.
"What about you?"
"Yea, I meant it."
I smiled inwardly. "Hey you want to get a and some pizza?"
"Sounds like a plan."
We quickly got up and hopped on our bikes. We raced like mad to get to
the rental place before they closed. I picked out "The Sixth Sense."
Supposedly a good movie. We raced back to my place and ordered the pizza.
It was always the same with Adrian, pepperoni and extra cheese. I didn't
even have to think as I ordered it. I used some of the cash that my had left to pay for it. I popped in the movie, grabbed some pizza, and
took a seat on the couch.
"Hey, where's the soda?" Adrian asked.
"Dude, we don't have any," I realized.
"You don't have soda," he said, quite annoyed.
"No, but lets remedy that. Come on. Let's walk up to the gas station."
"Ok,"
I grabbed just enough money for a twelve pack, put the on hold,
and put the pizza in the oven to keep it warm. We marched out of the
house. It was dark by now and the street lights cast eerie shadows on the
cement. I was hoping that we could talk more about this afternoon, but I
wasn't going to push anything.
We were at the station in no time, it was quite deserted, in fact, I
feared it was closed. We stepped in and purchased a twelve pack of Dew.
'My favorite, nectar of the gods.' Adrian turned the corner first, behind
the gas station. It was very dark, when I turned, I saw him standing there
with his hands up.
"Adrian, what are you doing?" I asked.
"You, stand here," a voice said. Then I saw the shadow that was talking
to me. There was a glint of metal which I realized had to be a gun. I
dropped the twelve pack and assumed the position Adrian was holding. "Give
me your money," the shadow ordered.
We looked at each other and said at once, "We don't have any more."
Wrong answer. But it was the truth. The next few minutes passed like
hours. A shot rang out. Before I heard it, the shadow ran off. I looked
after him, then turned back to Adrian. He wasn't standing where he should
have been. He was on the ground.
"Adrian!!" I rushed to him. I knelt down by his side and gathered him
in my arms. I looked up and yelled, "HELP." The station manager must have
called the police once he heard the shot because I heard sirens
approaching. He had his hands on his chest. He lifted his hands and looked
at them and then showed them to me. They were crimson, with his blood. I
began to cry. He stared blankly at me. "Nooooo," I yelled. With one hand
I held his head upon my lap and with the other I grabbed both his hands and
bought them to my chest. "No," I said calmly now. I knew the inevitable
but I was unwilling to accept it. "Hold on. . . . . .Please hold on," I
urged. I set his lifeless hands down and stroked his cheek, smearing his
own blood across his face. I didn't care. I knew he needed to know that I
was there. I needed to comfort him. I looked up to see if help had
arrived. I still heard the sound, yet saw no lights. I looked back at his
face. It had grown pale, life-draining. He stared into my eyes. I looked
into his. Those soul piercing blue eyes had darkened to ink black pools. I
held him close. I knew he could no longer see. I talked. "Relax Adrian,
relax. I'm here. I won't leave you, I'll never leave you." My dear
friend, the one that I loved more than a friend, is dying. His strength
weakened. He slumped down, no longer looking at me, but staring straight
up into the clear night. "I won't leave you," I continued. I saw a smile
draw upon his lips. I knew he felt no more pain. I saw his mouth move,
forming words, but I couldn't make out what he was trying to say.
My eyes were blurry, I couldn't see anything around me, but I could see
him. I could see his last breath, I could see his eyes as they closed for
the last time. I could feel his heart, a heart that pumped so much in sync
with mine, stop. Cold.
I remember nothing else of that night, in fact I don't remember much of
the following days. Sunday came and went, and so to did Monday, Tuesday,
and Wednesday. I heard the consoling and the mourning. Everybody knew
that he and I were inseparable friends, separated. They all knew that I
held him as he died. Life didn't matter. My anchor to reality has been
cut. But I swore on his name, that I would fight it. I swore on his name,
on that night, that I would not take the cheap way out. Oh, how life can
change in the blink of an eye.
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(Excerpt from page 1, "Port Angeles Times")
Killed in Fatal Mugging.
On Port Angeles's west side last Saturday, a 17 year boy, who's
identity has not yet been released, was shot and killed. He was found dead
in, what was apparently his friend's arms. According to that friend, who's
identity has also not been released, this homicide started out as a
mugging. When told to give their money, the victim and his friend stated,
"We don't have any more." At that, the suspect took the shot at one of the
boys, then ran off. The suspect has yet to be found.
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I walked solemnly into the church, my face expressionless. What more
emotion could I show. My tears, drained. My face contorted beyond
recognition. I had no strength left. I was spent, yet I walked into this
place of God to say goodbye to my dear friend for the last time. To see
his face one last time. Only, there would be no heartbeat, no breathing,
no life. Only a shell of the I knew. This is not a memory I wanted of
him. Also, the vision of him, in my arms as his last breath escaped him,
still reared its ugly head more often than I can help. I was faced with a
tough decision. Should my last sight of him be an empty shell or that of a
dying life. I sat at the back of the church and pondered this.
Memories came flooding back in torrents. Memories of us as children,
playing by the shore, in the sand, building that huge sand turtle.
Laughing and playing in the park. On the swings, who could get the
highest. Adrian fell and broke his arm that day. A small chuckle escaped
my lips. That was the first time I laughed in what seemed like days. I
remember signing his cast. I wrote it real big so that all could see I was
his friend. I remember school, so many memories there. I had to tutor him
in math. He wasn't a logical person. He could write, he wrote poems,
short stories. He was creative. That is one of the parts I loved about
him. I loved him. Wait. . . .I love him, not loved. I love the way his
hair stayed right where he put it, I love his blue eyes, I love his voice,
I love the way he was always in a cheery mood, the bounce in his step. I
love his outlook on life, his attitude. I love the way he loves me, even
though it wasn't romantic, it was still love. I love the way he held me,
the way he cared when nobody else would. There are a thousand things that
I love about him.
Oh God, I remember when he had the hots for my brother's girlfriend.
That was so funny. He couldn't keep his attention on anything else. That
was a long time ago, what, fourth grade. We were together forever. I
remember the time, that fateful day, when he held me in our alcove. Let me
cry on his shoulder. That's how close we were.
I started to cry, I am surprised that I have any tears left. Soon they
were coming out in generous amounts. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a
tissue box being held out to me. I grabbed for one and wiped my eyes.
"Thanks."
"Your welcome, Jaden." It was Adrian's mother.
I looked up at her, and saw the pain in her eyes, as she saw mine.
"Thank you, for every thing, Mrs. Matthews."
"Your welcome. I know that this isn't the best time to bring this up,
but, Happy Birthday, from Adrian."
I looked at her quizzically, "Huh?" I completely forgot about my own
birthday. Tomorrow is it? I couldn't help but think that this was a
crappy birthday present.
"As his and I were going through his things we saw this," she
said as she held out a envelope and a wrapped box. She motioned for me to
take it.
I took the box and envelope and just stared up at her blankly. I looked
down at the envelope. There in letters was my name. "JADEN." I looked
back at Mrs. Matthews.
Sensing my discomfort she said, "Open it,"
Relaying the fact that curiosity would soon get the better of me I
opened the envelope. Inside was a letter. As I started to read it was as
if he was reading it to me.
Dear Jaden, (read this in private)
Dude, I'm sorry that I have to miss your birthday party, you know, but
this is something that I can't avoid. I'll tell you about it later. I'll
catch the last half so wait up, I'll be there.
So now, to the important part. This is hard for me to write. I am
scared of what it may do. We have had a lot of good times together. The
time you signed your name really big on my cast so nobody would miss it.
Those are the times that I miss. Because after this letter, things will be
different.
Don't get scared, you must promise me. I have noticed your sideways
glances and the way you act around me. So I don't want to scare you by
saying that you're gay. I am completely cool with it. You might be asking
'how do you know.' I was typing a term paper and I accidently saw one of
your journal entries. Don't be mad. I know that you like me. I just want
to let you know that I like you too. If that means that I am gay, then so
be it.
This is why I picked this present out just for you....us.
Love,
Adrian Matthews.
Tears were streaming down my face. This was all too much to handle. I
couldn't believe he felt the same way towards me as I felt for him. I
can't believe he knew how I felt. I set the letter down and unwrapped the
gift. Ever so slowly. Inside was a small black box. I took the cover off
to reveal a gold chain with a small heart pendant. Inside was also a note.
It read: "These two hearts shall join as one. Look on the back." I turned
the pendant over and there was a small of Adrien and around the
edge were small clasps. It then dawned on me, "Two hearts shall join as
one." He must have the other one, and when brought together, they can join.
This gift meant more to me than any thing else could.
I pulled out the necklace and put it over my head and nestled it against
my chest.
"So you're the one," Mrs. Matthews said calmly.
"Huh?"
"Adrian asked me to take him to get those made. He said it was for his
good friend. I never realized it was for a boyfriend. Here," she said.
Mrs. Matthews handed me a necklace that looked identical to mine. I
looked on the back and there was a of me. "This must have been
his, to keep," I said more to myself than anybody else. I turned towards
Mrs. Matthews and stated, "It was meant to be, but we were never
boyfriends. I guess that was supposed to happen tomorrow at the party."
This brought on a new flood of tears.
"He would have wanted you to have it."
"Thank you." I pulled off my necklace and latched to two together. "Two
hearts shall join as one," I said under my breath, "I love you Adrian." I
closed my eyes and tears again began to flow. I tucked the joined
necklaces neatly against my chest. There I would keep them forever.
I closed my eyes and that vision of him lying in my arms, looking up at
me, pleading. Tears in my eyes. Scanning it in my mind again, I noticed
something that I had not every other time it played out. Just before he
died, he mouthed something, something that I could not understand. With
the news that I just read in the letter, I now understood. He mouthed, "I
Love You."
I smiled. I have reached my decision. I stood up and proceeded down
the aisle. Towards the filled casket. I stood at the brink and slowly
looked over the edge. I was scared. Scared I would see the same face I
saw that night. Pale, life-draining. I looked over the edge. I saw
there, the peaceful shell of my lost love. I couldn't cry, there was
nothing to cry about. I loved and I lost. There would be mourning of
course, but now, seeing him lying there, peaceful. Adrian died with his
eyes closed, a smile on his lips, and his heart open. He let so many
people into his heart, that even in death, he brings life. I couldn't help
but smile. My love was at peace. I slowly folded my hands and said a
prayer to him. As I finished, I looked into his face and mouthed the
words, "I Love You."
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I have no idea the effect this had on you, but as I was typing it,
I began to cry. If you didn't read my introduction, do so. It will help
you understand. Again I ask, that you email me, I don't care if you have
nothing to say, I just want to know that you read it. Please put some
recognition to this in the subject line, like "in the blink of an
eye." If you wish to make comments, I welcome them. It is always good to
hear from readers. This is only a short story, there will be no more to
this, so I would ask one more favor. If you like this story, tell your
friends about it. email me at this link: omicron_theta_626@hotmail.com
http://www.omicrontheta.org
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