Since Sandman could not find this in any archive, I am taking the liberty to
repost this delightful poem. The original authorship is specified below.
Subj: No Subject
Date: Tue, May 14, 1996 5:16 PM EDT
From: hclarke@humanitas.ucsb.edu
X-From: hclarke@humanitas.ucsb.edu (Howard Clarke)
To: celeste801@aol.com
Dear Celeste,
Herewith my entry for Stephanie's "Sex with Celeste"
competition, though it's not really a of sex with
Celeste. It's more of a quasi-ARS POETICA for porn, but it may
have some curiosity value as the only entry that was in more
than fifty stanzas of limericky verse (doggerel?).
I gather you have your own version of literacy rules,
but I wasn't able to download or read it. So I just made up
some of my own--in your name.
GRAMMATICUS
an541328@anon.penet.fi
MY CELESTIAD
For Celeste
Give thanks to Celeste 801,
For judging our fictional fun.
Even those who have missed
A place on her list
Are grateful for what she has done.
For behind that anonymized name.
More ready to praise than to blame,
Sans address and sans face,
In deep cyberspace
She's building a Porn Hall of Fame.
"So how do you manage, Celeste,
To pick out the porn that is best?
To be perfectly blunt,
Must it dampen your cunt?
Is your the ultimate test?"
"No, I know all the sex will be hot,
But there's character, atmosphere, plot.
What the people are doing
When they're not busy screwing
Determines the pick of the lot.
"In where everything goes
I note how the narrative flows,
Though lust runs amok
And they're all out to fuck,
Your rank will depend on your prose.
"Your may be off the wall,
With smut that's designed to appall.
You still must compose
Fairly literate prose,
Or I will not list it at all.
"Your may have cocks long and thick,
Your ladies may all beg for dick,
Your heroes all boning,
And heroines moaning,
But only good style does the trick.
"Though your lady gives head with panache
As her works his tongue in her gash,
Let them lie sixty-nined,
While you keep your mind
On each comma, each colon, each dash."
"But let me make one statement first.
I think sotires of rape are the worst.
I want no one abused,
Mistreated, or used.
No sex that is cruel or coerced.
"I like lovers with lustful intent,
But there's one kind of plot I resent.
Where fun S & M
Won't do it for them,
So they bully their partner's consent.
"So write down what you do in your bed,
Or the fantasies loose in your head.
But don't make me read
Of your doing the deed
With children, your pets, or the dead.
"Not much else can arouse my disgust
In your vivid descriptions of lust.
I can savor the danger
Of sex with a stranger,
Though it's better with someone you trust.
"I can tolerate most tales of sleaze,
Provided they're written to please.
Whatever excites,
Turns on, and delights,
With this I am fairly at ease.
"But don't make all women both sexy and young,
And your handsome, tall, and well-hung.
Forget the conventions,
And try new inventions.
For why sing a song that's been sung?
"Your people will be mostly nude,
Their antics quite franticly lewd.
But why not admit
Some humor and wit?
For porn needn't always be crude.
"These can be helpful, too,
For those who have no one to do.
For monkey-spanking
(The Brits call it 'wanking')
And paddling their own pink canoe."
"Now with English I'd like to begin.
So if you want your to win,
Then first learn the facts
Of proper syntax.
(No, it isn't a tariff on sin.)
"And it helps if you learn how to spell
In creating the you tell,
Or you'll be condemned
A lifetime to spend
In English Orthography Hell.
"I agree Webster's no fun to read,
That spelling's a chore, I concede.
You'll not find 'clitoris'
In Roget's Thesaurus,
But these are the books you will need.
"Whatever your characters try
As they try for a sexual high,
Though it gets wild and wet,
You must never forget
That 'ecstasy' ends in 'sy.'
"I know it's a word that projects
The utter abandon of sex.
But remember the rule
That you once learned in school:
In 'ecstasy' there is no 'x.'
"You can write about ass, cock, and tits,
But your will still be the pits
If you fail to recall
As your people all ball,
There's a difference between 'its' and 'it's.'
"Whatever your characters say
As they go for their roll in the hay,
Still you as a writer,
Should be somewhat brighter.
So distinguish between 'lie' and 'lay.'
"In English the plural is 's,'
And 's' shows us who may possess.
Apostrophes tell
Just who can write well
These tales of erotic excess.
"Remember there's 'whom' and there's 'who,'
And 'to' is quite different from 'too.'
y You've no place on my list
If you will insist
On writing 'between he and you.'
"With 'to' and not 'and' follow 'try.'
Don't mix up 'infer' and 'imply.'
Correct is 'it won't,'
But never 'it don't.'
That's just how it is--don't ask why.
"It behooves me once more to stress,
As your characters start to undress,
The STD facts
Of some sexual acts--
And that 'fewer' is different from 'less.'
"Your people may all have the wit
To find new kinds of sins to commit.
But there is one vice,
The dread comma splice,
That not even I will permit.
"So write, then revise and rewrite,
Avoiding whatever is trite.
For not every cock
Must be 'hard as a rock,'
Nor every wet be 'tight.'
"Must 'hard' be the word for each nipple and clit,
And 'huge' for each hard-on and tit?
Though this seems their size
In your characters' eyes,
They're cliches no good writers admit.
"Your scenes may be so damned intense
Some readers may well take offense.
But however you fashion
Your tales full of passion,
Make sure that your verbs don't change tense.
"For every good writer rejoices
That English verbs come in two voices:
'He's fucked' and 'he fucks.'
But the passive voice sucks!
So active verbs make better choices.
"Whatever your people dare do,
As they kiss and they fondle and screw,
They're agents of action
Or objects of passion,
So work for a clear point of view.
"Omniscient narration will do,
Though some may want more points of view:
From the in the gang
Enjoying each bang,
And from all of the in the queue.
"You can get into each person's head,
As they're doing each other in bed.
Give varied conceptions,
Reactions, perceptions,
What's thought as well as what's said.
"To authors I'll surely defer
Who can make all their pronouns refer.
With no commas abused
Or sentences fused,
Their I'm bound to prefer.
"Though your people are blind with desires,
You must carefully watch modifiers.
In their amorous tangles,
Make sure nothing dangles,
Or your readers won't know what transpires.
"I have rules that may seem rather tough
Against words we have heard quite enough.
The meaninglessness
Of 'I could care less,'
Or 'hopefully,' 'you know,' or 'and stuff.'
"As there's anarchy always in sex,
There'll be rules that each author rejects.
But still I insist
That you know they exist,
When you break them for special effects.
"For sex scenes to throb and to glow,
Then drama and interest must show.
Though your plot may be corny,
Your people just horny,
Technique can still make you a pro.
"So if you've a to tell,
But you don't even know how to spell,
Then please don't get pissed,
If you're not on my list.
I keep it for those who write well."
"Well, thanks for your counsel, Celeste.
Just let me add one thing I've guessed:
I infer from your e-mail
You're one lusty female.
(Which your husband can surely attest.)
"I bet often your students have said,
'Imagine what she's like in bed!'
(I'd count them all blessed
With a like Celeste,
To fuck or to just give them head.)
"No doubt sexual energy flows,
While you're marking their bad schoolboy prose.
Why, just your corrections
Must give erections
As they think of you under your clothes.
"Though having a teacher who's hot,
They probably don't learn a lot.
Just wasting each class
Staring straight at your ass,
While dreaming of eating your twat.
("But the fault is not really Celeste's
That they brood on her and breasts,
That she gets furtive looks
As they're reading their books
And even while taking their tests.)
"Still, Affirmative Action requires
That you light only non-sexist fires.
So for each and You're a Title Six toy
For whatever lewd sport each desires.
"You must spread your charms equally,
Arousing whomever you see,
Alluring alike
Each bi-, gay, and dike,
To comply with your school's E.O.P.
"Since no law gives them equal access
To those private parts under your dress,
They must wait, so it seems,
For their dirtiest dreams,
To enjoy a Celestial caress.
"But for those you'll have never caressed,
There's a porn star they've now named 'Celeste.'
She sucks in one flick
Ron Jeremy's dick,
While butt-fucked by Randy West.
"We all want to know who's to blame
For giving this bimbo your name.
She's a slut and a tart,
Neither well-read nor smart.
So where can we go to complain?"
"But enough of this prurient verse.
Our poem's gone from bad down to worse.
From matters of style,
It's now turning vile,
So let's put this thing in reverse.
"Let's try for a nice peroration
And end with a Cel(este)ebration.
From behind each computer
We will rise to salute her.
It's our kind of standing ovation:
"'All hail to our literate leader.
All writers of porn surely need her.
Long may she correct,
Approve, and reject.'"
A tribute from one grateful reader!"
--GRAMMATICUS
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